Spiteful

We haven't talked for a long time...
The 1st few lines were so formal...
It was weird... But that is that...
There is no denial...
Things had already changed...
We are... Not as US anymore...
I'm oki... Certainly over her...

Doesn't miss her anymore...
Just a little shaken...

The questions she asked...
The concern she shows...
Still has that triggering effect...THEN...
The particular question that I asked...
"Is your heart oki?- Me
"Huh?"- Her
"Still on pills/ medication?"- Me
"Oh much better."- Her

She probably never knew...
and I had never told a single soul...
Her THEN revelation of her heart condition...
Will haunt me for... for... I dunno how long...
Lifetime? Perhaps...I hope not ...
I'm def NOT someone whom runs away...
upon knowing my beloved one is sick...

But rather I heard it with my own ears...
The one whom I love most...
DOES NOT want to be with me if she's dying...
Her heart yearns to be with another HER...
I even threw away my so called well known pride...
Asked for a chance...and her answer was still NO ...
It totally crushed and trashed MY EVERYTHING...
Love, Pride, Hope, Joy, Dreams, Confidence...

Being in love aren't like this...
Its not wrong at all to have a change of heart...
But the way the whole issue was handled...
It was so damn f**king f**ked up!!!
You had the guts to love someone else...
But NO guts to admit it...
Why must I be the one to expose it???
and the one to beg for another chance???
WTF! WTF! WTF!

I never felt so LOW...
It was so awful to learnt I wasn't wanted...
One probably has to get to her lowest point...
in order NOT to go even lower...
But well, this is the frivolity of Love ...

I'm not trying to bad mouth anyone here...
I simply needed and had to honour my own feelings...
Tag me anything k... I couldn't be bothered anymore...
I had alwaz been thinking for others... Its tiresome...
My suppressed feelings... It's really enough...
The tears flowed and flowed...
I cried really hard today...
I knew I will cry since THAT last entry...
I was just holding on to them...

Thankful I picked myself up...
Chosen to be on my own...
Rather than picking just anyone to lean on...
I aren't ugly... I am fully aware...
If I want to, I am sure I can get someone...
But it's wrong to get another being involved...
when I had so much baggage then...

I reminded myself its alright...
To fall in and out of love...
Rather than not loved at all...

Loveling Soya reminded me, "once you have loved, you'll alwaz love..jus diff kind of love".
Yes, I still do love her..just differently..I wish you are happiee too, Stan.. That is what I wanted when I chosen to let go of you. Please stay happiee, in love and blessed..

P.S - I couldn't have walked out of my depression without the love of my dearie family and friends, esp my aBao and Loveling Soya! I love you all! *huggs*