Commotion again at home... I simply detest detest commotion, especially at home. It's so fucking disturbing. My parents are probably not aware...whatever their action and behaviour are, it has a irreversible effect and haunt on me. People whom doesn't really know me well alwaz thought my family is the very blissful kind. Many thought my parents are the supa duba lovely doey kind. Well, I thought so too until I was in my poly years. I was that gullible then. I only kinda knew my family is kinda falling apart around my O levels. Papa was then beginning to struggle with his gambling debts. I must admit that I used to hate my papa but not anymore. And also used to indirectly blame him for who I am today. But I don't deny his messy situation affected all my decisions too. Chosen to go to the poly instead of the JC though my results can get me into any of the top JCs. I knew there is no way the family can afford my Uni fees. I didn't want to add on any additional pressure to the family. I aren't that smart to get a scholarship. The family financial status aren't that bad to qualify for any financial assistance too. I was willing to work to earn for my fees but I don't have the luxury of time. I'm also the eldest in the family..There is no one I could turn to for advice...
In fact the poly fees were a constant struggle for me. After O levels and during the poly term breaks, it was simply work work work. I still remember LQ will alwaz accompany me to hunt for holiday jobs and slogged together with me. All these $ issues were still bearble for me coz I believe $ can be earned and we still have our own roof.. The last straw was when mum's heart was broken. It doesn't make any hell sense to me how that could happened? The marriage vows made simply meant nothing?!?! Men seems to think only with their dickheads. Funnily, the whole affair was kinda swept under the carpet. Everyone in the family move on as though nothing happended.. I pretended nothing happened too if that is the best for my mum. Deep in my heart, I knew the word "family" will never meant the same to me again. I am aware.. I am already much better off and more fortunuate than many others whom may not have a chance to be with their families. Yes, I'm still lucky...Perhaps, I'm too greedy..I only wished all those never happened. But this is Life, how we cope sets our journey. I only yearned for more warmth. If you have a chance to hug me, please hugg me tightly.
In fact the poly fees were a constant struggle for me. After O levels and during the poly term breaks, it was simply work work work. I still remember LQ will alwaz accompany me to hunt for holiday jobs and slogged together with me. All these $ issues were still bearble for me coz I believe $ can be earned and we still have our own roof.. The last straw was when mum's heart was broken. It doesn't make any hell sense to me how that could happened? The marriage vows made simply meant nothing?!?! Men seems to think only with their dickheads. Funnily, the whole affair was kinda swept under the carpet. Everyone in the family move on as though nothing happended.. I pretended nothing happened too if that is the best for my mum. Deep in my heart, I knew the word "family" will never meant the same to me again. I am aware.. I am already much better off and more fortunuate than many others whom may not have a chance to be with their families. Yes, I'm still lucky...Perhaps, I'm too greedy..I only wished all those never happened. But this is Life, how we cope sets our journey. I only yearned for more warmth. If you have a chance to hug me, please hugg me tightly.
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