坏女儿

I don't have as much patience for my parents...
I do not deny the awful truth in this remark..
Though fully aware, i was still badly affected when it was commented...


My impatience probably triggered off the big argument last night...
I couldn't think of any other good reasons...
Or was it due to my childishness? My tardiness??
The nasty, loud screaming exchanges were so awful...
I usually chose to be silent during heated arguments...
But not last night... I do not have an answer why....
Maybe I simply couldn't stomach the remarks passed...


I gotta confessed... I did cursed & sworn when i was in the loo...
But goodness! It's definitely not at her...
But well, she heard me and that's it....
It was more at myself and the whole situation..
I was extremely frustrated to my boiling point...
I hated it to the core when I'm not in control...


I felt so maligned, was crying so hard that I couldn't see clearly...
Then I felt faint & almost black out...
And i was standing at the kitchen windows...
The window grills were not on...
For a split second... I wanted to jump down...
Yes, suicide crossed my messy mind there & then...
The very childish & devilish me wanted her to be guilty...
I'm already doing my best to fulfill my duties the best I can...
I don't know how else it can please & pacify her...
But a sense of force kinda calmed me down....
Perhaps it was Grandpa... I don't know...


I held on to the windows tightly...
All i did was stood there & sobbed through the night...
And officially i became the 坏女儿...
The tagging & statements ensued...
The 坏女儿 whom is unhappy coz she was asked to go & pack dinna?!?!
The 坏女儿 whom is not willing to wash her injured mum's soiled laundry?!?!


My pillow was soaked through the night with my tears...
I don't even have a personal space to cry out loud....
Realised what i naively thought have been useful contributions to the family...
Could be... easily replaced by a part time domestic helper (if the hiring happens)....


The cold war between us is still on going...
Witnessing your own mum tears is horrid...
Especially... if the culprit is oneself...
It's heart breaking....
My sorrow, anger & guilt are eating me up inside...
I really cannot fathom how long it will be...